I said I would make a journal on my complete ineptitude in relationships, and why when I say love hurts, I'm not talking metaphorically.
For as long as I can remember I have had many female friends but rarely a girlfriend. I'm not good at socializing and find it hard to talk to new people, so my biggest fear is that I will lose friends that I already have.
The first time I fell 'in love' I was about 11, I wouldn't call it true love but we connected on a level deeper than just friends. I can't remember much about the relationship and there is a reason for that, I would rather not have to.
She was a year or two younger than me and we got on really well. I'm not sure if we ever kissed but if we did it would only be on cheeks.
It was all going well right up until her brother found out
He was 3 years younger than me so normally he would be no problem, however one day he turned up out of the blue and attacked me with a horse whip. If anyone ever tells you that the whips don't hurt the horses please punch them in the face for me. The bruising it caused took nearly 2 weeks to heal and the emotional trauma it caused probably took many years more. I still can't go near anyone holding a horse whip.
I have not seen her or heard from her since. My mind has done its best to forget her entirely. That was until a few months ago I found a card she made me. It is a valentine's card that she made from stretch, and inside it says simply "Tom. I love you. Elizabeth.". That card is the first and so far only valentine's card I have ever received, and yet the girl who sent it, through no fault of her own, I will most likely never see again.
Being attacked in such away, especially by your girlfriend's brother, does bad things for your self esteem. For 5 years I avoided relationships like the plague, not intentionally but simply by subconsciously ignoring girls and their affections.
I am part of a scouting based group that goes around the country helping out at major scouting and guiding events. in 2010 it was the centenary of guiding and so there was a massive event consisting of around 5000 guides from all over the globe, so our group organised an offsite activity day, where 400 guides would spend the day doing all sorts of activities. In our group there were 4 boys of similar ages to the guides (I was one of them) and on the main site there were 5000 girls, 1000 leaders and not a single boy. We where the first boys they had seen in a week and apparently the looks they were giving us where... well... let's just keep it at that.
In 2011 I asked someone out for the first time in my life. I still had no self confidence and so asked her out as part of a valentine's card. (Also first time I've sent a valentines card). I had already known her for 2 years and we were reasonable friends. To say things could have gone better would be an understatement. I would have been fine if she had said no, but what she did was to give no reply and went from being friends to refusing to talk to me for 6 months. That did nothing to improve my confidence and just showed me that if I asked someone out they would just run away from me.
In November this year, I finally fell truly in love. It was with a girl who I have known for two years and to describe what she is to me would be near impossible. To hear her laugh brightens my day and to see her smile makes me smile to. On the 30th of November I told her my true feelings accompanied with this image
via facebook message (I still didn't have the courage to do it face to face). She replied saying that while she didn't feel the same, we could still be good friends. This made my day, It was fine that she didn't feel for me how I did for her, but what mattered was that she knew how I felt and that she was ok with me feeling that way.